Why now? Do you want to be a rockstar? Maybe you should prioritize better? Is it worth the time and money?

These are kind of questions I get when I let my friends know that I am learning to sing (again).

I am a 31 year old Indian guy, working as a software engineer in Austin. I am single, introverted and prefer spending my time amid books and music.

When I moved to Austin, I had this euphoric feeling that my life was gonna change forever, in ways that I was then yet to realize. I am not sure if that’s true so far (I doubt it, really). But, I did make some big changes immediately, and one of them was taking singing classes.

I have struggled from depression throughout my life. I am bipolar and the last few years have been terrible for me. Singing is something that has kept me afloat through all of this. Growing up, it was really the only activity I enjoyed. I was never into sports or hanging out with friends, of which I didn’t have many.

Listening to the same songs again and again, and trying to master them was my secret hobby. No one, neither my classmates, friends or even my parents were aware of this passion of mine. But, as I grew older, and learnt to live my life on the basis of choices made by others and handed down to me, it got lost within.

I am at a point, where I don’t get any real pleasure from anything. Sometimes it’s the depression, which I realized, of late, is something that occurs in layers within your psyche. It changes you to the point that your negative world-view becomes your reality, your negative self-talk becomes common sense, and trying to find meaning, hope and love, becomes irrational.

But, even leaving the depression aside, there’s not much that keeps me alive, really. It’s just surviving, nothing more.

Except singing. Every time I start singing, I feel a rush of life. I don’t think much about performing or impressing women (although it would be nice to have). I just want to be in that flow state, where I briefly travel outside my world of thoughts into a zone of comfort and harmony.

So, it’s often annoying when I tell someone that’s I am learning to sing and get some awkward reaction. At first, I tried keeping it a secret, but I don’t think it matters anymore. I really don’t care much whether people like my singing or not. In fact, I do, but only to the point where it pushes me to improve my skill. I am doing this not just to enjoy it, but also to be better at it.

I wish people at my age looked beyond their career and future, to grow as individuals. I see the pursuit of wealth and prestige around me. But, I hardly find people who are genuinely wonderful and authentic. It would be interesting to find such a woman, some day.

For now, as I peel off these layers of depression, I shall continue singing and eventually thrive.